sometime mid last year i decided not to sign a new lease in toronto. i foresaw my current lease ending near the end of the year and realized timing couldn’t be more perfect to get away during the winter and to start new. i packed up all of my belongings, couch surfed for two months, before handing in my resignation to the job i’ve had for a little over five years. nothing screams “step out of your comfort zone” like not having a house and the job you’ve had for half a decade.
i had some ideas on what i would do with my new start, dreams and “maybes” but really wasn’t sure where this adventure was going to take me. what i did know was that i didn’t want to be where i was before i left - not happy, unfulfilled, stuck. i felt pulled to do something more, something creative and inspiring. this feeling wasn’t something that came to me overnight, rather a weight on my shoulders i’d been thinking about for years and finally made the leap to achieve. as brave as that sounds i wish i could say that i did this with the most amount of confidence, but i definitely felt terrified and broken a few times. when i spoke about these plans out loud with friends, a realization would hit that i might not have any idea what i was doing or if it was even the right thing to do. all of those thoughts were short lived, but hard on the heart none the less.
the one thing i knew for sure was that i deserved to be happy and i wasn’t.
my best friend and i had planned a trip around southeast asia to get away. the trip was one of best few weeks i’ve had in years and i got to check a lot of things off of my bucket list that i’d been wanting to achieve. i had many moments of peace and ease and joy for life, appreciation for my own in particular. i knew all of those hard decisions were the right ones once i was climbing 300 steps up a mountain to see ancient temples in thailand, knowing at the top i was going to be ok after all of this. i will never get over that displaced feeling of standing somewhere i’ve never been before, being the one who doesn’t belong, not knowing what is around the next corner. that is what i love most about travelling. i started seeing the parallels of that feeling to my life back home. i really did not know what to expect when i got back, but i should love the adventure that i put myself on.
as of the day i write this i have been unemployed for almost two months now [i don’t count the weeks i was on my trip, or the holidays, why make it sound any worse than it is right?] my ego has been tested and shattered multiple times in the past few weeks, personally and professionally. i like to think i have a lot to give, so being denied the opportunity to share these things has left an emotional bruise that is taking its sweet time to go away, serving as a constant reminder of these denials. trying to stay positive is hard. i’ve been having nightmares almost every night and struggle to get a full nights sleep. who am i? sleep is probably my second most favourite thing. i have been told i am talented and fun, why am i feeling so useless? trying to remember that i chose this for my own happiness is hard. these things take time and patience but i find myself not showering for three days straight because i have no reason to leave my bed and the money in my bank account is slowly… draining… away…
i’ve realized this is one of the biggest challenges of my adult life.
starting over. being uncomfortable.
2015 was quite a year. there are things i experienced that i would rather not remember but can’t deny their reality. i didn’t really treat my body, mind or soul with as much respect or love that i’d like to be able to. i had a job and a place to call my own, but i was more lost than i am now with neither of those things. i want this year to be different in my growth as a happy, confident person. i’ve been told multiple times how inspired and proud people are of what i’m doing, and that gets me through the hard days. but i’m not gonna lie, there are times i hate every minute of this transition…
i’m not really sure that there is a point to all of these words for anyone reading, except that it feels good to get it all out and down. for lack of better words, the struggle is real, but it wont always be.
reflection… it has a way of offering comfort in dark times, it can lead to peace of mind when you’re scared. it reminds me that i am one step closer to loving what i see when i look in the mirror.